silent..
keep to oneself..
words that are tangled up in your brain..
cant be heard..
voices inside..
thoughts
silent expressions
metaphorical language
hidden signs
secrets
why?
afraid
rejection
truth hurts
beauty in lies
not knowing is better than know bitter truth
disappointment
it is really hard for onself to read ur unreadable language, so say something that i must know loudly, to my face. tq
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
insecurities
i have several insecurites, actually tones of em.. i need to overcome it i know.. and by time, i didnt realized that all my prayers were all answered by Him.
1. my skin
i had breakout, like really bad breakout on my face.. during my time in volgo, i always feel insecure abt how i look, my skin was so red, lots of pimples, blackheads, whiteheads.. it was soooooo depressing. i tried everything, and nothing seems working. this worsen when i was in 2nd year, i think 2010? i think so.. my skin flared up and become dark red like red prawn that got burned during bbq.. it hurts so well that when i prayed, i would lightly rest my head during sujud.
summer, yes summer worsen it all, but above all, i thank Allah that still trust in me, giving me good health, and the test that i was going was thru my skin.
from 4th year onwards till 6th year, my skin get worse and worse. i didnt remmber posting uneddited picture of myself, i erased all pimples, scars, comedones or anything till i satisfy with what i see.. i was so insecured bout myself that i always look down at myself, i almost hate my skin, but i realized that loving myself is the ultimate form of self rewarding, appreciate urself is more superior than other's judgemnt abt you.. then, i try to save my skin, i tried almost all chemical base, herbal based, natural based, ocean based, named it, all skin care i had try. i visited several dermatologist when i was home in summer, but nothing help much.. there was a time, when i was so insecure bout myself, that i didnt even look myself in the mirror.. but that didnt stop me there, i pray to God till now, that my skin would be back to normal. i want to look normal, want to be confident with myself.
alhamdulillah, after struggling, Allah rewarded me with a better skin.. i was soo grateful that after all that i had been thru, i know Allah heard me well and He love me so much, that with this test, i always attached to him... the scars from my previous pimples always remind me who i was, and this made me love myself even more.. i had hormonal problems, and turn out, volgo's weather and air are not suitable for my skin.. alhamdulillah now that i am back for good, i will treasure this gift from Allah to me..
2.self confident
i dont have self confident, i was a tiny miny people that people always look away.. that was what i always think of myself.. people dont want me in community, my opinions was not bright and i better off just staying alone and dont get involve with famous people cause i'm not even close to that.. but, in a while i realize that everyone had their own specific role in community, even my religion taught me that really well.. then, usrah taught me about it too, that we belong together, nothing can stand alone, even our strong muscle couldnt stand alone if there is no bone, and our bones cannot stand together if there are no ligaments.. got it? haha, so i try to blend in with community and lastly i discovered what i lost all this time, my true self and my contribution that was blinded by expectation
3.limitation
my thought before were, we as a human, only function well if there is limitation in it.. got it? like this, if there is no goal, we r hopeless and the goal need to be one solid thing that we want to achieved.. that is a limitation there.. i always taught myself that way, and i always got frustated if i didnt achieved my only goal.. i was not flexible.. but now, as i grow up, i learnt a lot. there is no limitation at all in life, we can set a solid goal yes, but remember, we also can have several goals! that is more brilliant and less frustating.. so instead of having just one goal, one shot, why not having more shots and trying to score best in whatever it takes u to. dont just stuck there, move on! if u cant get A, there still B,C, D and the list goes own.. cheer up! and remember, in life limitation dont exist.. :D
1. my skin
i had breakout, like really bad breakout on my face.. during my time in volgo, i always feel insecure abt how i look, my skin was so red, lots of pimples, blackheads, whiteheads.. it was soooooo depressing. i tried everything, and nothing seems working. this worsen when i was in 2nd year, i think 2010? i think so.. my skin flared up and become dark red like red prawn that got burned during bbq.. it hurts so well that when i prayed, i would lightly rest my head during sujud.
summer, yes summer worsen it all, but above all, i thank Allah that still trust in me, giving me good health, and the test that i was going was thru my skin.
from 4th year onwards till 6th year, my skin get worse and worse. i didnt remmber posting uneddited picture of myself, i erased all pimples, scars, comedones or anything till i satisfy with what i see.. i was so insecured bout myself that i always look down at myself, i almost hate my skin, but i realized that loving myself is the ultimate form of self rewarding, appreciate urself is more superior than other's judgemnt abt you.. then, i try to save my skin, i tried almost all chemical base, herbal based, natural based, ocean based, named it, all skin care i had try. i visited several dermatologist when i was home in summer, but nothing help much.. there was a time, when i was so insecure bout myself, that i didnt even look myself in the mirror.. but that didnt stop me there, i pray to God till now, that my skin would be back to normal. i want to look normal, want to be confident with myself.
alhamdulillah, after struggling, Allah rewarded me with a better skin.. i was soo grateful that after all that i had been thru, i know Allah heard me well and He love me so much, that with this test, i always attached to him... the scars from my previous pimples always remind me who i was, and this made me love myself even more.. i had hormonal problems, and turn out, volgo's weather and air are not suitable for my skin.. alhamdulillah now that i am back for good, i will treasure this gift from Allah to me..
2.self confident
i dont have self confident, i was a tiny miny people that people always look away.. that was what i always think of myself.. people dont want me in community, my opinions was not bright and i better off just staying alone and dont get involve with famous people cause i'm not even close to that.. but, in a while i realize that everyone had their own specific role in community, even my religion taught me that really well.. then, usrah taught me about it too, that we belong together, nothing can stand alone, even our strong muscle couldnt stand alone if there is no bone, and our bones cannot stand together if there are no ligaments.. got it? haha, so i try to blend in with community and lastly i discovered what i lost all this time, my true self and my contribution that was blinded by expectation
3.limitation
my thought before were, we as a human, only function well if there is limitation in it.. got it? like this, if there is no goal, we r hopeless and the goal need to be one solid thing that we want to achieved.. that is a limitation there.. i always taught myself that way, and i always got frustated if i didnt achieved my only goal.. i was not flexible.. but now, as i grow up, i learnt a lot. there is no limitation at all in life, we can set a solid goal yes, but remember, we also can have several goals! that is more brilliant and less frustating.. so instead of having just one goal, one shot, why not having more shots and trying to score best in whatever it takes u to. dont just stuck there, move on! if u cant get A, there still B,C, D and the list goes own.. cheer up! and remember, in life limitation dont exist.. :D
Monday, November 23, 2015
belajar utk bersyukur
bila kita rasa x puas hati dengan apa yg kita ada, ingat dan tgok org yg naseb dia x sebaik kita, belajar untuk bersyukur.. jangan jadi orang yg kufur nikmat..
ada byk sbb menyebabkan timbul perasaan tidak cukup dalam diri, kita rasa we should get more, be more and this is not me,, ini bahaya.. antara sbb kita mempunyai mindset yg camtu adalah sbb kita terlalu absorb dgn dunia2 maya.. dgn social media.. sbb segala yg org share kat socia media tu, semua yg baek2, semua yg elok2, semua yg mewah2 belaka.. sedangkan kita hnya mmpu tgok je.. ni lah, time ni la, ada setan2 yg hasut jiwa kecik ni, cakap bukan2, mybbkan kita kufur nikmat..
ingtlah, apa yg dishare di media sosial tu, telah ditapis banyak, hanya surface saja,.. if kita tgok, yg tuuuu je yg kita nampak, yg buruk2 mana ada org nk share, diorg punya kesengsaraan, cabaran dan dugaan hidup tu hanya tuan punya badan je yg tau..
if kita rasa kasut kita x lawo, x branded, ingt ada org x de duit pon nak beli kasut sekolah..
if kita rasa baju raya labuci x lebat, igt ada org da 3, 4 taun ulang baju sama beraya,
if kita rasa duit kita x cukup, igt ada org yg terpaksa kasi pagi makan pagi, x berkais x makan,
kalau kita rasa kita x cukup travel, still ada org yg x pernah kenal apa tu pantai..
belajarlah utk bersyukur dengan segala nikmat yg kita ada sekarang, dan ingatlah nikmat terbesar kita, iaitu nikmat Islam dan Iman.. sebab syukur ni dpt mengajar kita utk sentiasa humble dan kembali kepada yg Satu.. ore kelate kato, jale bia jejok kaki bumi..
ps: peringatan utk diri sendiri jugakkkk n_n
ada byk sbb menyebabkan timbul perasaan tidak cukup dalam diri, kita rasa we should get more, be more and this is not me,, ini bahaya.. antara sbb kita mempunyai mindset yg camtu adalah sbb kita terlalu absorb dgn dunia2 maya.. dgn social media.. sbb segala yg org share kat socia media tu, semua yg baek2, semua yg elok2, semua yg mewah2 belaka.. sedangkan kita hnya mmpu tgok je.. ni lah, time ni la, ada setan2 yg hasut jiwa kecik ni, cakap bukan2, mybbkan kita kufur nikmat..
ingtlah, apa yg dishare di media sosial tu, telah ditapis banyak, hanya surface saja,.. if kita tgok, yg tuuuu je yg kita nampak, yg buruk2 mana ada org nk share, diorg punya kesengsaraan, cabaran dan dugaan hidup tu hanya tuan punya badan je yg tau..
if kita rasa kasut kita x lawo, x branded, ingt ada org x de duit pon nak beli kasut sekolah..
if kita rasa baju raya labuci x lebat, igt ada org da 3, 4 taun ulang baju sama beraya,
if kita rasa duit kita x cukup, igt ada org yg terpaksa kasi pagi makan pagi, x berkais x makan,
kalau kita rasa kita x cukup travel, still ada org yg x pernah kenal apa tu pantai..
belajarlah utk bersyukur dengan segala nikmat yg kita ada sekarang, dan ingatlah nikmat terbesar kita, iaitu nikmat Islam dan Iman.. sebab syukur ni dpt mengajar kita utk sentiasa humble dan kembali kepada yg Satu.. ore kelate kato, jale bia jejok kaki bumi..
ps: peringatan utk diri sendiri jugakkkk n_n
Sunday, November 22, 2015
beauty is pain
"A facial is a procedure involving a variety of skin treatments, including: steam, exfoliation, extraction, creams, lotions, facial masks, peels, and massage. They are normally performed in beauty salons but are also a common spa treatment."
-wiki-
memang satu-satu bende tu x kan kita dapat tnpa usaha.. itu memang ada dalam ajaran agama kita..
so, semenjak balek mesia ni, muka jadi makin teruk and menjadi2, sbenaqnya memey x penah okay., haha, so try la buat facial..
memang best sbb mula2 dia urut2, letak pencuci muka, pakai kan scrub, pastu masa dia nk extract whitehead and blackhead, itu AZAB! oiii, saket sgtttttt, rasa cam nak tercabut zygomatic bone, sket lagi nk terdislocate maxilla.. wuwuwuwuuuu, memey saket yg amat x terperi... terutama time nak extract yg dekat area bawah hidung atas lips tu..
mula2 tahan, lama2 kuar air mata, sbb saket sgt x tahan.. tapi ye lah, if x buang, x kan hilang plak mende tu.. adoi, ni baru facial biasa.. betullah org kata, nk cantek tu saket..
pengalaman sauna pon, memey panas yg amat,, pedih2 kulit, tapi after effect memang best, oh, kembali pada facial..
after that muka jadi bengkak and merah2 cam kene campak.. time ni memang x nak pegi mana mana and x nk jumpa sesapa pon.. muka pon saket.. tapi time basuh tu rasa smooth.. best gak,., lam 2 hari gitu, kulit kembali sihat dan jadi jauh lebih bersih, ini serius.. x tipu..
so, sapa2 nk try facial tu sila lah cuba,,, pengalaman hidup jugak ni.. mengajar bahawa sesuatu bende tu bukan senang2 je bley dapat.. hehe
oryteee.. skang tgah cuba beberapa product aloe vera, nnti la cita plak.. :D
Friday, November 20, 2015
merepek
so skang sgt bnyk masa free, alhamdulillah at least dpt spend masa dengan family and dpt jugak tido yg cukup..so x de masalah dengan stress and otak memang free..
sebenanya x pernah selama hayat hidup ni, rasa free and kosong camni... x payah fikir abt a single thing pon.. seronok jugak, sbb time beribadah terjaga and tenang, time buat kerja rumah, x rush da, time drive pon bley take time.. memang tenang je rasa hidup..
insyallah dah rehat byk ni, nnti rasa berbaloi time ho-ship sbb time tu mmg dah x bley da nk lepak2, baca buku , baring and tido x hengat siang malam cam skang ni.. time tu memang eyebag akan develop lah jawabnya.. hormone pon mesti x stabil..
sementara free ni, ada macam2 benda yg menjadi tnda tnya.. semua bende2 yg org sibuk x fikir la tapi.. antaranya:
1. kita igt lagi x janji yg kita buat ngan someone 7-10 years ago?
2. camne perasaan kalau kita smpai ke tmpt yg x de sapa pernah smpai?
3. pernah x org jumpa sesorg tnpa sebab?
4. apa perasaan org yg bila kawan baek dia sendiri tikam belakang?
5. berapa byk gmba yg ada lam gallery or camera roll insta famous?
6. x jenuh ke amek selfie bebanyak?
7. sama x rupa pelakon atau artis bila jumpa depan2 ngan lam tv?
8. camne kulit someone bley jadi sgt flawless and gebu?
9. kalau org yg berat dia under 45 tu dia makan apa je shari2?
10/ jutawan guna duit dia utk beli apa ek?
11. kalau bley travel around the world, nk travel ngan sapa?
12..
.... and the list goes on.. haha merepek je kan..
sebenanya x pernah selama hayat hidup ni, rasa free and kosong camni... x payah fikir abt a single thing pon.. seronok jugak, sbb time beribadah terjaga and tenang, time buat kerja rumah, x rush da, time drive pon bley take time.. memang tenang je rasa hidup..
insyallah dah rehat byk ni, nnti rasa berbaloi time ho-ship sbb time tu mmg dah x bley da nk lepak2, baca buku , baring and tido x hengat siang malam cam skang ni.. time tu memang eyebag akan develop lah jawabnya.. hormone pon mesti x stabil..
sementara free ni, ada macam2 benda yg menjadi tnda tnya.. semua bende2 yg org sibuk x fikir la tapi.. antaranya:
1. kita igt lagi x janji yg kita buat ngan someone 7-10 years ago?
2. camne perasaan kalau kita smpai ke tmpt yg x de sapa pernah smpai?
3. pernah x org jumpa sesorg tnpa sebab?
4. apa perasaan org yg bila kawan baek dia sendiri tikam belakang?
5. berapa byk gmba yg ada lam gallery or camera roll insta famous?
6. x jenuh ke amek selfie bebanyak?
7. sama x rupa pelakon atau artis bila jumpa depan2 ngan lam tv?
8. camne kulit someone bley jadi sgt flawless and gebu?
9. kalau org yg berat dia under 45 tu dia makan apa je shari2?
10/ jutawan guna duit dia utk beli apa ek?
11. kalau bley travel around the world, nk travel ngan sapa?
12..
.... and the list goes on.. haha merepek je kan..
Saturday, November 14, 2015
yup i miss em all
wah, lama dah x blogging, lots of ideas r flowing thruout my brain's gyri right now..
bila dah grad ni rindu plak zaman kanak2 riang ria x fikir apa sngt tapi bajet bajet bz.. skang ni berdebar nk kene interview plak.. insyallah, mintak2 Allah mudahkan semuanya nnti..
tapi igt lagi neves paling best is time nk final ritu.. ya Allah ketaq pala lutu ni ha.. x tau nk habaq camna.. terutamanya time paper last.. ruski panggil balshoi goz.. all topics yg blaja slama 6 taun kat volgo tu akan ditanya dan di value.. takutttt sgt sbb x semua igt pon, and examiner adalah prof2 terhormat russia, ada yg dtg dari moscow jauh nun tu nak uji pelajar2 ni.. x kurang jugak orang2 hebat volgo as shatilova, emelyanov, margarita, mihin.. omg, mihin x silap nama dia, cikgu surgery yg lagi otai dari vasily.. masa tu exam reramai, x dak chance nk bertnya2 org sebelah sbb gap memang jauh.. huish, exam plak laju.. memey dok dang nok wak mende2
tapi tu lah, seronok jugak, sbb neves dia skali je, sbb result exam tu terus tau depan muka, cikgu2 plak sebenanya baek sgt, nak membantu.. rindunya lahai.. ritu jawab ngan papa emelyanov, memang mengamit memori time 3rd year plak.. dia ngajar memang best, pengalaman yg dia share, cerita2 dia yg di share dari pelbagai conference.. cara dia bercerita.. huih mmg best, x lokek ilmu.. klu tersalah pon x pa, dia kata kita perlu belajar lagi and ilmu medik ni x kan terhenti perkembangan dia
saat skang ni, rasa sgt menghargai cikgu2 kat sana, doktor2 kat russia, kat volgo.. diorg x pernah nk sisihkan sesapa, saling bantu membantu, discuss, saling dengar pendapat antara satu sama lain. even yg senior pon tunduk n denga penjelasan dari doktor junior, sbb igt, ilmu medic sentiasa bertmbah, dan mungkin ada ilmu baru yg hnya doc junior je tahu dulu.. harapnya envi kerja nnti cam kat russia.. x stress, happy.. cool!
tapi, if org tnya, nk ulang x 6 tahun kat volgo?? NO TQ
bila dah grad ni rindu plak zaman kanak2 riang ria x fikir apa sngt tapi bajet bajet bz.. skang ni berdebar nk kene interview plak.. insyallah, mintak2 Allah mudahkan semuanya nnti..
tapi igt lagi neves paling best is time nk final ritu.. ya Allah ketaq pala lutu ni ha.. x tau nk habaq camna.. terutamanya time paper last.. ruski panggil balshoi goz.. all topics yg blaja slama 6 taun kat volgo tu akan ditanya dan di value.. takutttt sgt sbb x semua igt pon, and examiner adalah prof2 terhormat russia, ada yg dtg dari moscow jauh nun tu nak uji pelajar2 ni.. x kurang jugak orang2 hebat volgo as shatilova, emelyanov, margarita, mihin.. omg, mihin x silap nama dia, cikgu surgery yg lagi otai dari vasily.. masa tu exam reramai, x dak chance nk bertnya2 org sebelah sbb gap memang jauh.. huish, exam plak laju.. memey dok dang nok wak mende2
tapi tu lah, seronok jugak, sbb neves dia skali je, sbb result exam tu terus tau depan muka, cikgu2 plak sebenanya baek sgt, nak membantu.. rindunya lahai.. ritu jawab ngan papa emelyanov, memang mengamit memori time 3rd year plak.. dia ngajar memang best, pengalaman yg dia share, cerita2 dia yg di share dari pelbagai conference.. cara dia bercerita.. huih mmg best, x lokek ilmu.. klu tersalah pon x pa, dia kata kita perlu belajar lagi and ilmu medik ni x kan terhenti perkembangan dia
saat skang ni, rasa sgt menghargai cikgu2 kat sana, doktor2 kat russia, kat volgo.. diorg x pernah nk sisihkan sesapa, saling bantu membantu, discuss, saling dengar pendapat antara satu sama lain. even yg senior pon tunduk n denga penjelasan dari doktor junior, sbb igt, ilmu medic sentiasa bertmbah, dan mungkin ada ilmu baru yg hnya doc junior je tahu dulu.. harapnya envi kerja nnti cam kat russia.. x stress, happy.. cool!
tapi, if org tnya, nk ulang x 6 tahun kat volgo?? NO TQ
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
succulent garden
i would rather receive a box full of succulent or cactus rather than a box of chocolate..
i really have to say this.. omg u dunno how much i love those succulents and cactus, there r like my lil babies cutie pie..
i have some of them back at home, but here, i dunno where i can those thing with a reasonable price.. i realllllly really looking forward to own a wonderful bombastic shakala kala kala ka baby type of succulent and cactus garden.. insyallah.. hehe.. i really love them.. oh ok, so did i repeat that again, oh yeah cause my love for them is unconditional.
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