Saturday, March 26, 2016

should i say more

keep to oneself..
words that are tangled up in your brain..
cant be heard..
voices inside..
silent expressions
metaphorical language
hidden signs

truth hurts
beauty in lies
not knowing is better than know bitter truth

it is really hard for onself to read ur unreadable language, so say something that i must know loudly, to my face. tq

Wednesday, March 23, 2016


i have several insecurites, actually tones of em.. i need to overcome it i know.. and by time, i didnt realized that all my prayers were all answered by Him.

1. my skin
i had breakout, like really bad breakout on my face.. during my time in volgo, i always feel insecure abt how i look, my skin was so red, lots of pimples, blackheads, whiteheads.. it was soooooo depressing. i tried everything, and nothing seems working. this worsen when i was in 2nd year, i think 2010? i think so.. my skin flared up and become dark red like red prawn that got burned during bbq.. it hurts so well that when i prayed, i would lightly rest my head during sujud.
summer, yes summer worsen it all, but above all, i thank Allah that still trust in me, giving me good health, and the test that i was going was thru my skin.
from 4th year onwards till 6th year, my skin get worse and worse. i didnt remmber posting uneddited picture of myself, i erased all pimples, scars, comedones or anything till i satisfy with what i see.. i was so insecured bout myself that i always look down at myself, i almost hate my skin, but i realized that loving myself is the ultimate form of self rewarding, appreciate urself is more superior than other's judgemnt abt you.. then, i try to save my skin, i tried almost all chemical base, herbal based, natural based, ocean based, named it, all skin care i had try. i visited several dermatologist when i was home in summer, but nothing help much.. there was a time, when i was so insecure bout myself, that i didnt even look myself in the mirror.. but that didnt stop me there, i pray to God till now, that my skin would be back to normal. i want to look normal, want to be confident with myself.
alhamdulillah, after struggling, Allah rewarded me with a better skin.. i was soo grateful that after all that i had been thru, i know Allah heard me well and He love me so much, that with this test, i always attached to him... the scars from my previous pimples always remind me who i was, and this made me love myself even more.. i had hormonal problems, and turn out, volgo's weather and air are not suitable for my skin.. alhamdulillah now that i am back for good, i will treasure this gift from Allah to me..

2.self confident
i dont have self confident, i was a tiny miny people that people always look away.. that was what i always think of myself.. people dont want me in community, my opinions was not bright and i better off just staying alone and dont get involve with famous people cause i'm not even close to that.. but, in a while i realize that everyone had their own specific role in community, even my religion taught me that really well.. then, usrah taught me about it too, that we belong together, nothing can stand alone, even our strong muscle couldnt stand alone if there is no bone, and our bones cannot stand together if there are no ligaments.. got it? haha, so i try to blend in with community and lastly i discovered what i lost all this time, my true self and my contribution that was blinded by expectation

my thought before were, we as a human, only function well if there is limitation in it.. got it? like this, if there is no goal, we r hopeless and the goal need to be one solid thing that we want to achieved.. that is a limitation there.. i always taught myself that way, and i always got frustated if i didnt achieved my only goal.. i was not flexible.. but now, as i grow up, i learnt a lot. there is no limitation at all in life, we can set a solid goal yes, but remember, we also can have several goals! that is more brilliant and less frustating.. so instead of having just one goal, one shot, why not having more shots and trying to score best in whatever it takes u to. dont just stuck there, move on! if u cant get A, there still B,C, D and the list goes own.. cheer up! and remember, in life limitation dont exist.. :D